1
00:00:01,602 --> 00:00:03,571
* Men.

2
00:00:03,637 --> 00:00:05,339
(slurring words):
Yeah, hi.

3
00:00:05,406 --> 00:00:08,842
I'm watching your commercial
for the Shake Weight?

4
00:00:08,909 --> 00:00:10,478
Yeah, I gotta tell ya,

5
00:00:10,544 --> 00:00:12,680
my brother does basically
the same thing

6
00:00:12,746 --> 00:00:14,382
in the shower every day

7
00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:20,254
and he has absolutely
no muscle tone in his arms.

8
00:00:20,321 --> 00:00:22,390
All right,
I'm out of here.
Hold on a sec.

9
00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:24,325
What does this look
like to you, Berta?

10
00:00:24,392 --> 00:00:26,527
Your brother in the shower?

11
00:00:28,329 --> 00:00:30,598
You hear that?
It's not just me.

12
00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:34,902
Thanks, Berta.
I'll see you tomorrow.

13
00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:36,637
No, you won't.

14
00:00:36,704 --> 00:00:40,708
I told you, I'm going to a
family reunion for a few days.

15
00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:43,577
But what about me?

16
00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:46,013
All right,

17
00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,549
let's go through this
one more time.

18
00:00:52,486 --> 00:00:56,390
I arranged to have a friend
fill in for me.

19
00:00:56,457 --> 00:00:58,726
Her name is Esmerelda.

20
00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:00,027
I have given her

21
00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:01,729
detailed instructions

22
00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:03,631
about how you like things done
around here.

23
00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:06,300
Did you tell her to roll me over
on my stomach

24
00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:09,837
so I don't choke
on my own vomit?

25
00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:12,540
That's number one on the list.

26
00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:14,675
Is she hot?

27
00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:16,110
She was in the '70s.

28
00:01:16,177 --> 00:01:18,078
I guess it's better that way.

29
00:01:18,146 --> 00:01:21,315
Yeah, it's tough enough that
you and I have sexual tension.

30
00:01:23,351 --> 00:01:27,087
Oh, by the way,
you promised me
vacation pay.

31
00:01:27,155 --> 00:01:29,457
Okay.

32
00:01:29,523 --> 00:01:32,393
How much did
we agree on?

33
00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:34,628
That looks about right.

34
00:01:34,695 --> 00:01:36,930
Bye.

35
00:01:36,997 --> 00:01:39,099
See you tomorrow.

36
00:01:43,271 --> 00:01:45,639
Uncle Charlie in there?

37
00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:46,740
Yep.

38
00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:48,008
Drunk?

39
00:01:48,075 --> 00:01:49,310
Hammered.

40
00:01:49,377 --> 00:01:50,644
You clean him out?

41
00:01:50,711 --> 00:01:53,781
Would I do that
to my little buddy?

42
00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:54,782
Thank you, Berta.

43
00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:58,752
All right, have a good
weekend, Uncle Charlie.

44
00:01:58,819 --> 00:02:01,689
Enjoy your family reunion.

45
00:02:01,755 --> 00:02:02,690
What?

46
00:02:02,756 --> 00:02:04,057
What?

47
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,326
You know, you still owe me

48
00:02:05,393 --> 00:02:06,760
for that pizza
from the other night.

49
00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:10,598
Oh, yeah, sorry.

50
00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:11,565
How much was it?

51
00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:12,766
That'll do it.

52
00:02:12,833 --> 00:02:15,836
Jake, let's go.
Your mom's outside.

53
00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:17,305
See ya,
Uncle Charlie.

54
00:02:17,371 --> 00:02:19,106
See ya, buddy.

55
00:02:19,173 --> 00:02:21,842
Thanks for the pizza.

56
00:02:21,909 --> 00:02:23,076
When did you guys have pizza?

57
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:25,145
I have no idea.

58
00:02:27,781 --> 00:02:31,619
Hey, Charlie,
you remember Lyndsey?

59
00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:33,221
Nope.

60
00:02:36,190 --> 00:02:38,559
Hey, look.

61
00:02:38,626 --> 00:02:39,893
(chuckles)

62
00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:46,434
I'm exercising.

63
00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:50,771
Oh, maybe you ought
to sit down for a minute.

64
00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:52,873
Good idea.

65
00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:55,108
I'm getting
a little dizzy.

66
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:57,311
I hope I don't have
a heart problem.

67
00:02:57,378 --> 00:03:00,147
No, you have
a drinking problem.

68
00:03:00,214 --> 00:03:02,015
That's a relief.

69
00:03:02,082 --> 00:03:04,318
So who's this Lyndsey?

70
00:03:04,385 --> 00:03:08,989
You remember-- Lyndsey,
early 40s, blonde, pretty.

71
00:03:09,056 --> 00:03:11,091
No recollection.

72
00:03:11,158 --> 00:03:12,760
I burned her house down.

73
00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:15,028
She left me, went back
to her ex-husband?

74
00:03:15,095 --> 00:03:17,298
Keep going.

75
00:03:17,365 --> 00:03:20,968
Nice, full, very natural
looking C-cup?

76
00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:23,003
Oh, right, Lyndsey.

77
00:03:23,070 --> 00:03:24,972
Here we go.

78
00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:35,349
What are you doing?

79
00:03:35,416 --> 00:03:36,884
Child-proofing you.

80
00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:38,151
Thank you.

81
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:40,854
So you're-you're dating

82
00:03:40,921 --> 00:03:42,490
Lindsay Lohan?

83
00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:45,259
No, no, Lyndsey MacElroy.

84
00:03:45,326 --> 00:03:46,627
Anyway, she called
and apparently

85
00:03:46,694 --> 00:03:48,629
things aren't working out
with the ex-husband,

86
00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:50,197
and even though she
didn't exactly say she

87
00:03:50,264 --> 00:03:53,133
wanted to get back together, I
am going to meet her for dinner.

88
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:54,402
Well, that's great.
Mm-hmm.

89
00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:55,636
Good for you.

90
00:03:56,337 --> 00:03:58,372
How do I look?

91
00:03:58,439 --> 00:04:02,610
Like Lance Armstrong
after a three-day drunk.

92
00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:04,177
Nice.

93
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:05,346
Mm-hmm.

94
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:09,883
You are a good brother, Alan.

95
00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:11,952
Have some money.

96
00:04:12,019 --> 00:04:13,654
Thanks.

97
00:04:13,721 --> 00:04:15,789
If I were really
a good brother,

98
00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:17,991
I would stage
an intervention.

99
00:04:18,058 --> 00:04:19,960
Thanks for the pizza.

100
00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:36,344
Eureka.

101
00:04:36,410 --> 00:04:38,912
I've invented
the drinking helmet.

102
00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:45,586
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

103
00:04:45,653 --> 00:04:48,789
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.

104
00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:52,760
* Men.

105
00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:57,731
(sighs)

106
00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:04,405
Hello?

107
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:07,441
(speaking Spanish)

108
00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:17,585
Oh, man, did I go
to Tijuana last night?

109
00:05:21,689 --> 00:05:24,324
Me... you...

110
00:05:24,392 --> 00:05:26,894
Not married, are we?

111
00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:33,534
I guess if the answer was yes,

112
00:05:33,601 --> 00:05:35,903
she wouldn't be polishing
the piano.

113
00:05:39,707 --> 00:05:42,075
Hey, Alan, quick question.

114
00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:43,611
Yeah?

115
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,580
Who is that in
our living room?

116
00:05:46,647 --> 00:05:47,948
That's Esmerelda.

117
00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:49,950
Gonna need more.

118
00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:51,251
Berta's friend?

119
00:05:51,318 --> 00:05:52,486
Keep going.

120
00:05:52,553 --> 00:05:53,687
Berta went
to her family reunion.

121
00:05:53,754 --> 00:05:55,589
Esmerelda's filling in for her.

122
00:05:55,656 --> 00:06:00,428
Oh. It would have been nice
if she'd given me a heads-up.

123
00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:03,997
Aren't you going to ask me
about last night?

124
00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:05,733
Oh, yeah.

125
00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:09,302
What did I do last night?

126
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:13,240
Somehow I spent
almost all my money.

127
00:06:13,306 --> 00:06:15,776
No, I meant
what I did last night.

128
00:06:15,843 --> 00:06:17,945
Oh. No.

129
00:06:18,011 --> 00:06:20,748
Lyndsey wants
to get back together.

130
00:06:21,915 --> 00:06:22,883
C-cups.

131
00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:24,785
Right. Lyndsey.

132
00:06:24,852 --> 00:06:26,987
She did split up
with her ex-husband Chris.

133
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:29,657
Said she realized
she didn't want to go backwards.

134
00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:33,594
In what universe is dating you
not going backwards?

135
00:06:33,661 --> 00:06:36,897
I know. This guy must be
some kind of mess.

136
00:06:38,666 --> 00:06:40,801
Breakfast, Señor Harper?

137
00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:42,536
Why is she saying breakfast?

138
00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:44,171
Am I supposed to make her
breakfast?

139
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,574
She'll make it for you.

140
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:49,977
Try the huevos rancheros--
they're amazing.

141
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:51,979
(speaking Spanish)

142
00:06:56,717 --> 00:07:01,321
Muy bien.
Gracias.

143
00:07:01,388 --> 00:07:03,791
Junior high, high school,
college,

144
00:07:03,857 --> 00:07:06,827
two years of chiropractic school
in Mexico.

145
00:07:06,894 --> 00:07:09,162
You say that like
I'm supposed to know.

146
00:07:09,229 --> 00:07:11,932
You are supposed to know.
You're my brother.

147
00:07:34,421 --> 00:07:37,591
(Esmerelda laughing)

148
00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:38,726
What's so funny?

149
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,528
Are you talking about me?

150
00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:42,462
She says she likes your hat.

151
00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:47,200
* Men.

152
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,938
CHARLIE:
Alan! Come here, quick!

153
00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:54,975
Please God,
don't let it be a dead girl.

154
00:07:58,946 --> 00:08:00,147
What is it?

155
00:08:00,213 --> 00:08:03,016
Open my door and
tell me what you see.

156
00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:05,018
Why? What do you see?

157
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:08,088
Just look.

158
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:09,823
Are the flying monkeys back?

159
00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:11,992
Don't joke about that, Alan.

160
00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:15,095
Wow.

161
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:16,196
Esmerelda did this?

162
00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:17,531
Can you believe it?

163
00:08:17,598 --> 00:08:18,666
The fresh cut flowers,

164
00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:20,000
the carafe of lemon water.

165
00:08:20,067 --> 00:08:21,501
She even laid out
my robe and slippers.

166
00:08:21,569 --> 00:08:22,970
Since when
do you have slippers?

167
00:08:23,036 --> 00:08:25,238
I don't know. Is it
possible she made them?

168
00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:30,043
She put a chocolate
on your pillow?
Yup.

169
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:31,979
See what it says?

170
00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:32,980
"Felicidad."

171
00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:34,615
That means
"Merry Christmas," right?

172
00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:36,349
It means "happiness."

173
00:08:36,416 --> 00:08:39,687
You sure? What about that song,
uh, "Felicidad Navidas"?

174
00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:41,922
"Feliz Navidad"?

175
00:08:41,989 --> 00:08:43,891
Tomato, tamale.

176
00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:45,025
The point is,

177
00:08:45,092 --> 00:08:47,260
Esmerelda is
a terrific housekeeper.

178
00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:49,196
I didn't get
a chocolate.

179
00:08:49,262 --> 00:08:50,564
You're not Señor Harper.

180
00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:51,999
I'm a Señor Harper.

181
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:54,534
Yes, but not the Señor Harper
that pays her.

182
00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:57,905
Come on, you got
to see this.

183
00:08:57,971 --> 00:08:59,873
She still could have
given me a chocolate.

184
00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:02,175
How much could it cost?

185
00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:03,744
Look!

186
00:09:03,811 --> 00:09:05,178
That's not a swan.

187
00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:07,147
That's my towel.

188
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:08,381
Nice touch.

189
00:09:08,448 --> 00:09:09,717
Had me fooled
at first.

190
00:09:09,783 --> 00:09:11,919
I tried to kill it.

191
00:09:13,186 --> 00:09:14,221
And look.

192
00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:16,957
She folded my toilet paper
into a little point.

193
00:09:17,024 --> 00:09:19,026
After breakfast,
I used some, stood up, shaved,

194
00:09:19,092 --> 00:09:21,795
and when I looked back,
I swear it was pointed again.

195
00:09:21,862 --> 00:09:23,430
Is that a votive candle?

196
00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:24,898
Yup.

197
00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:27,234
She's praying that I have
pleasant bowel movements.

198
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:28,368
Oh, please.

199
00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:29,670
No, no, no, it's working.

200
00:09:29,737 --> 00:09:32,840
This morning, soft, firm,
easy peasy.

201
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:34,842
But wait, there's more.

202
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,143
Come on.

203
00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:40,714
Tada!

204
00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:42,650
She bought you a new grill?!

205
00:09:42,716 --> 00:09:44,217
No, no, no, this
is the old grill.

206
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:45,385
You know what she did?

207
00:09:45,452 --> 00:09:47,520
What?
She cleaned it.

208
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,389
She cleaned the grill?

209
00:09:49,456 --> 00:09:50,590
Berta never cleans the grill.

210
00:09:50,658 --> 00:09:51,992
Tell me about it.

211
00:09:52,059 --> 00:09:54,394
She only comes out on the deck
to smoke pot.

212
00:09:54,461 --> 00:09:55,195
Señor Harper?

213
00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:56,396
Yes?

214
00:09:56,463 --> 00:09:58,999
She's talking to me,
Baba Looey. Yes?

215
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:01,835
Hell, yeah, botanas.

216
00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:09,943
What's that mean,
"screw you"?

217
00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:11,244
Basically.

218
00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:13,280
I love this woman.

219
00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:14,682
Esmerelda, te amo.

220
00:10:14,748 --> 00:10:16,049
Ay, Señor.

221
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:17,751
I thought you didn't
speak Spanish.

222
00:10:17,818 --> 00:10:20,053
I don't, but I do know
how to say "I love you"

223
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,755
and "How much for
a happy ending?"

224
00:10:21,822 --> 00:10:23,123
in, like, 17
different languages.

225
00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:24,324
You're kidding.

226
00:10:24,391 --> 00:10:27,494
(speaking foreign
language and clicking)

227
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:31,865
In case you ever want to have
a good time in Central Africa.

228
00:10:35,335 --> 00:10:37,137
* Men.

229
00:10:37,204 --> 00:10:38,071
(doorbell ringing)

230
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:39,606
CHARLIE:
Alan, get that!

231
00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:41,341
Esmerelda's giving
me a pedicure!

232
00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:44,778
Pedicure. I can't even get
a freakin' chocolate.

233
00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:48,348
Hello, Alan.

234
00:10:48,415 --> 00:10:50,317
Chris! Hey.

235
00:10:50,383 --> 00:10:51,919
Uh, what brings you by?

236
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:53,520
Well, Lyndsey mentioned
that you two are dating again,

237
00:10:53,586 --> 00:10:55,022
and I wanted to let you know

238
00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:58,158
that if I had to lose her,
I'm glad it was to you.

239
00:10:58,225 --> 00:10:59,927
Thank you.

240
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:02,195
How did you get my address?

241
00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:03,596
Not important.

242
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,498
Here, I brought you
a little gift.

243
00:11:05,565 --> 00:11:06,633
Okay.

244
00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:08,035
(chuckles)

245
00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:09,970
Nothing in here's
gonna bite me, is it?

246
00:11:10,037 --> 00:11:12,372
(chuckles)
Open it.

247
00:11:15,475 --> 00:11:16,476
Oh.

248
00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:17,711
Look at that.

249
00:11:17,778 --> 00:11:19,412
It's a picture of
Lyndsey and you.

250
00:11:19,479 --> 00:11:22,082
Yeah. Look how happy we were.

251
00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:23,951
We just found out
she was pregnant.

252
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:26,253
It kind of looks like she's
glowing, but it's really just

253
00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:29,289
the lights from the Ferris wheel
on the Santa Monica Pier.

254
00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:31,591
I-I can't accept this.

255
00:11:31,658 --> 00:11:33,226
Oh, I want you to have it.

256
00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:35,528
You need to see
how happy Lyndsey made me,

257
00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:37,164
so you can be that happy.

258
00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:39,867
Okay, I'm not quite sure
I follow the logic,

259
00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:41,601
um, but-but thank you.

260
00:11:41,668 --> 00:11:42,602
See you around.

261
00:11:42,669 --> 00:11:43,603
(clicks tongue)

262
00:11:43,670 --> 00:11:44,938
(clicks tongue)

263
00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:46,273
Ah, it's too late, Alan.

264
00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:48,441
You're already dead.

265
00:12:00,187 --> 00:12:02,222
Well, that was a bit disturbing.

266
00:12:02,289 --> 00:12:03,356
* Men.

267
00:12:06,126 --> 00:12:07,227
* Men.

268
00:12:07,294 --> 00:12:10,730
Okay, uh, one decaf
grande soy chai latte

269
00:12:10,798 --> 00:12:11,999
with extra whipped cream.

270
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,734
Uh, and a black
coffee for the lady.

271
00:12:14,802 --> 00:12:16,069
Thank you.

272
00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:17,805
I don't know how you
drink that stuff.

273
00:12:17,871 --> 00:12:19,039
Back at you.

274
00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:20,974
Name?
Uh, Alan.

275
00:12:21,041 --> 00:12:23,110
So, what's so important
that you didn't want

276
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:24,711
to talk about it
on the phone?

277
00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:25,979
Oh, it's not that
it's important,

278
00:12:26,046 --> 00:12:27,047
uh, it's just
that it's...

279
00:12:27,114 --> 00:12:28,648
Alan, if you
dragged me down here

280
00:12:28,715 --> 00:12:30,417
to break up with me,
I will murder you.

281
00:12:30,483 --> 00:12:32,920
Oh, no, nobody's
breaking up.

282
00:12:32,986 --> 00:12:35,022
But, uh, speaking
of murder,

283
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:36,957
I saw your
ex-husband yesterday.

284
00:12:37,024 --> 00:12:39,159
I'm sorry, "speaking of murder"?

285
00:12:39,226 --> 00:12:41,028
Oh, oh, maybe I should
back up a little.

286
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:44,597
Um, Chris showed up at
my house and handed me

287
00:12:44,664 --> 00:12:48,335
what I consider to be a very
inappropriate photo of you two.

288
00:12:48,401 --> 00:12:50,003
That bastard!

289
00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:51,805
He told me he threw
those pictures away.

290
00:12:51,872 --> 00:12:55,408
Okay, I-I don't think we're
talking about the same pictures.

291
00:12:55,475 --> 00:12:59,179
Uh, but the point is, before
he left, he shot at me.

292
00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:00,981
He shot at you?

293
00:13:01,048 --> 00:13:02,816
Oh, not with a gun,
with his finger.

294
00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:04,751
But the implication
was pretty darn clear.

295
00:13:04,818 --> 00:13:06,920
Okay, let me
get this straight.

296
00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:08,956
I wasn't naked
in the picture?

297
00:13:09,022 --> 00:13:11,358
No, you were at the
Santa Monica Pier.

298
00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:14,327
But not naked, right?

299
00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:15,662
Right.

300
00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:17,230
Uh, but again,
my concern here

301
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:20,000
is that your ex-husband
seems to be threatening me.

302
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:21,734
Oh, Chris is harmless.

303
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,803
His bark is way worse
than his bite.

304
00:13:23,871 --> 00:13:25,438
So you're saying
he does bite?

305
00:13:25,505 --> 00:13:27,007
Alan, you have nothing
to worry about.

306
00:13:27,074 --> 00:13:28,441
And if it'll make you
feel better,

307
00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:30,410
I'll talk to Chris
next time I see him.

308
00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:32,479
Talk to me about what?
What the hell?!

309
00:13:35,182 --> 00:13:37,317
How long have you
been sitting there?

310
00:13:37,384 --> 00:13:38,118
I just got here.

311
00:13:38,185 --> 00:13:39,352
I was gonna come say hi,

312
00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:40,954
but I thought
it was a little creepy--

313
00:13:41,021 --> 00:13:42,689
ex-husband, new boyfriend.

314
00:13:42,755 --> 00:13:44,057
Are you following us?

315
00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:46,693
No. I just stopped in
to have a cup of coffee.

316
00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:48,228
You live on
the other side of town.

317
00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:50,030
But I like the coffee here.

318
00:13:50,097 --> 00:13:53,666
Okay, I don't know what
you're trying to accomplish,

319
00:13:53,733 --> 00:13:55,168
but it needs to stop right now.

320
00:13:55,235 --> 00:13:57,938
Uh, I've got
this, Lyndsey.

321
00:13:58,005 --> 00:14:02,042
Now... listen up, pal.

322
00:14:02,109 --> 00:14:04,244
I'm dating your ex-wife,

323
00:14:04,311 --> 00:14:07,147
and there's nothing
you can do about it.

324
00:14:07,214 --> 00:14:08,215
Do you understand me?

325
00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:09,582
(shrieks):
Police! Police!

326
00:14:09,649 --> 00:14:10,583
Whoa.

327
00:14:10,650 --> 00:14:11,784
Calm down.

328
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:13,620
Chris, get
out of here.

329
00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:15,655
I'm leaving.

330
00:14:15,722 --> 00:14:17,390
Oh, Alan.

331
00:14:17,457 --> 00:14:18,325
What?

332
00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:19,927
See you around.

333
00:14:19,993 --> 00:14:21,061
See? See?

334
00:14:21,128 --> 00:14:22,262
He shot me again!

335
00:14:22,329 --> 00:14:23,296
Calm down.

336
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:24,932
Calm down?!
This guy is crazy.

337
00:14:24,998 --> 00:14:26,433
We need get a restraining order
or something.

338
00:14:26,499 --> 00:14:28,201
I don't think
that's necessary.

339
00:14:28,268 --> 00:14:29,836
Of course it's necessary.

340
00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:32,305
This is unacceptable behavior,
and I am not putting up with it.

341
00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:34,107
In fact,
forget the restraining order.

342
00:14:34,174 --> 00:14:36,209
I'm gonna pay him a visit
and make it crystal clear

343
00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:37,710
that he is messing with
the wrong guy.

344
00:14:37,777 --> 00:14:38,745
Alan!

345
00:14:38,811 --> 00:14:40,948
(shrieks):
Police! Police!

346
00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:44,084
* Men.

347
00:14:44,151 --> 00:14:47,387
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

348
00:14:47,454 --> 00:14:48,588
Breakfast time.

349
00:14:48,655 --> 00:14:49,923
Esmerelda's huevos rancher...

350
00:14:49,990 --> 00:14:51,891
Oh, Berta!

351
00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:53,193
Hey.

352
00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:55,362
I thought you were
at a family reunion.

353
00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:56,396
Came home early.

354
00:14:56,463 --> 00:14:58,431
Turns out,
I don't like my family.

355
00:14:58,498 --> 00:15:00,767
So you came back.

356
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:02,169
Yay.

357
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:05,172
So Esmerelda's not
coming in anymore?

358
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:06,974
No, I called her.

359
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:08,942
She didn't mess things up
too bad, did she?

360
00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:10,343
No, no, no.
I mean, she's not you,

361
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:12,479
so there was
a little adjustment.

362
00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:15,815
What's that
you're eating?

363
00:15:15,882 --> 00:15:17,084
Western omelette.

364
00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:18,485
Oh. Looks good.

365
00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:19,652
It is.

366
00:15:19,719 --> 00:15:21,955
Which reminds me,
you're out of eggs.

367
00:15:22,022 --> 00:15:23,423
(door opens, closes)

368
00:15:23,490 --> 00:15:24,424
ALAN:
Charlie?

369
00:15:24,491 --> 00:15:25,592
In here.

370
00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:27,260
Staring at me while I eat

371
00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:29,762
is making me
very uncomfortable.

372
00:15:29,829 --> 00:15:32,199
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

373
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:33,500
Charlie, I've got
a problem.

374
00:15:33,566 --> 00:15:34,634
How about that,

375
00:15:34,701 --> 00:15:36,403
the problem's got a problem.

376
00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:38,338
Berta's back.

377
00:15:38,405 --> 00:15:39,939
Yay.

378
00:15:40,007 --> 00:15:42,609
I'm going somewhere
I can eat in peace.

379
00:15:42,675 --> 00:15:44,911
I thought my family
was annoying.

380
00:15:44,978 --> 00:15:47,047
Can you believe it?

381
00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:48,015
Esmerelda's gone.

382
00:15:48,081 --> 00:15:49,316
Yeah, boo-hoo.

383
00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:50,817
Lyndsey's ex-husband
threatened to kill me.

384
00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:52,152
How is that a bigger problem

385
00:15:52,219 --> 00:15:53,786
than me having to make
my own breakfast?

386
00:15:53,853 --> 00:15:54,787
I'm serious, Charlie.

387
00:15:54,854 --> 00:15:56,056
He's crazy.

388
00:15:56,123 --> 00:15:57,057
Well, of course
he's crazy.

389
00:15:57,124 --> 00:15:58,191
He's an ex-husband.

390
00:15:58,258 --> 00:15:59,192
The two words
go together.

391
00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:00,393
"Crazy ex-husband."

392
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:01,094
I'm an ex-husband.

393
00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:02,529
There you go.

394
00:16:02,595 --> 00:16:04,364
Now, what are we gonna
do about Esmerelda?

395
00:16:04,431 --> 00:16:06,199
I mean, it's not like
I can fire Berta.

396
00:16:06,266 --> 00:16:08,901
Sure you can. Frankly,
I never cared for the woman.

397
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,270
What am I gonna do
about Chris?

398
00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:12,072
I don't want to lose Lyndsey;
I love her.

399
00:16:12,139 --> 00:16:13,440
And I love
huevos rancheros

400
00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:16,276
and chocolate "felicidadas"
on my pillow.

401
00:16:16,343 --> 00:16:19,079
Okay, we seem to be talking
at cross purposes here.

402
00:16:19,146 --> 00:16:21,381
'Cause you're not focusing
on the real issue.

403
00:16:21,448 --> 00:16:23,916
I've just lost the best
housekeeper since...

404
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:25,518
Wilma Flintstone.

405
00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:27,787
(screams)

406
00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:29,089
What the hell?

407
00:16:29,156 --> 00:16:30,523
What was that?

408
00:16:30,590 --> 00:16:32,559
A rock.

409
00:16:32,625 --> 00:16:34,061
It's got to be Chris.

410
00:16:34,127 --> 00:16:35,162
How can you be sure?

411
00:16:35,228 --> 00:16:36,629
Who else would
throw a rock at me?

412
00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:39,332
Good point. I'm here
and Mom's out of town.

413
00:16:39,399 --> 00:16:41,534
I ain't cleaning that up.

414
00:16:44,804 --> 00:16:46,773
* Men.

415
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,141
(TV playing quietly)

416
00:16:48,208 --> 00:16:51,044
(phone rings)

417
00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:52,245
Hello.

418
00:16:54,381 --> 00:16:55,248
Hello?

419
00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:59,519
("Up, Up and Away"
ringtone playing)

420
00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:05,592
Hello?

421
00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:07,594
Hello?!

422
00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:09,396
Okay, whoever this is,

423
00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:11,364
you should know
that you're not scaring me.

424
00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:13,233
(doorbell rings, Alan screams)

425
00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:20,640
Esmerelda!

426
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:21,908
Come on in.

427
00:17:21,974 --> 00:17:23,610
Buenas noches, Señor Harper.

428
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:30,717
Yeah, yeah, me, too.

429
00:17:32,018 --> 00:17:32,985
Esmerelda?

430
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:35,788
Oh, como esta, Señor Alan?

431
00:17:35,855 --> 00:17:37,090
Muy bien.

432
00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:38,425
Charlie, what's going on?

433
00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:39,426
Excusez-moi.

434
00:17:41,528 --> 00:17:44,531
From now on, Berta will be
our day housekeeper

435
00:17:44,597 --> 00:17:47,033
and Esmerelda will be
our night housekeeper.

436
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:48,468
Capiche?

437
00:17:48,535 --> 00:17:49,269
Does Berta know?

438
00:17:49,336 --> 00:17:50,937
Berta doesn't need to know.

439
00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:53,373
Uh-huh. So what's she gonna
think when she comes back

440
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,575
and she sees the pointed toilet
paper and the swan towels?

441
00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:56,743
Way ahead of you.

442
00:17:56,809 --> 00:17:58,945
I'll just un-swan
and un-point everything

443
00:17:59,011 --> 00:18:00,079
before she gets here.

444
00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:01,514
Then why do it?

445
00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,350
I mean, is it
worth the trouble

446
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:04,751
to sneak around
behind Berta's back?

447
00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:07,187
I know it's crazy, but...

448
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,657
...the woman makes me happy.

449
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:13,860
Botanas, Señor Harper?

450
00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:16,396
Oh, si... vous plaît.

451
00:18:19,199 --> 00:18:20,567
How about that?

452
00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:22,535
I'm even starting
to pick up the language.

453
00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,604
It's a shame the
language is French.

454
00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:25,605
(phone rings)

455
00:18:25,672 --> 00:18:27,574
(screams)

456
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,509
* Men.

457
00:18:31,744 --> 00:18:33,680
* Men.

458
00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:40,019
Alan, relax.
If Chris wanted to kill you,

459
00:18:40,086 --> 00:18:42,222
he'd just climb through your
window while you're sleeping

460
00:18:42,289 --> 00:18:44,824
and smother you
with a pillow.

461
00:18:44,891 --> 00:18:46,593
Thank you,
that's very helpful.

462
00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:49,296
At least, that's how
I always imagined doing it.

463
00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:50,830
BERTA:
You rat bastard.

464
00:18:52,199 --> 00:18:54,501
Berta!

465
00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:55,968
It's not what it looks like.

466
00:18:56,035 --> 00:18:57,003
Is that so?

467
00:18:57,069 --> 00:18:58,438
Then what is it?

468
00:18:58,505 --> 00:19:02,609
Uh... it's purely sexual.

469
00:19:04,377 --> 00:19:05,912
I'm not stupid, Charlie.

470
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:07,414
I know when I'm being two-timed.

471
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:08,615
Charlie, I'm shocked.

472
00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:09,816
Shocked!

473
00:19:09,882 --> 00:19:12,452
Berta, I-I had no idea
this was going...

474
00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:13,553
Stay out of it, Zippy!

475
00:19:13,620 --> 00:19:15,822
I'm out.

476
00:19:15,888 --> 00:19:17,224
So what do you have to say
for yourself?

477
00:19:17,290 --> 00:19:18,925
Berta, I am... I am so sorry.

478
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:21,594
I got carried away, but I think
if we all sit down like adults

479
00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:23,196
and talk this through,
we can make it work.

480
00:19:23,263 --> 00:19:24,231
Uh-uh.

481
00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:25,565
It's either me or her.

482
00:19:25,632 --> 00:19:27,166
Oh, please don't make me choose.

483
00:19:27,234 --> 00:19:28,201
Berta, I love you both.

484
00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:29,602
Good-bye, Charlie.

485
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:30,803
No, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

486
00:19:37,944 --> 00:19:39,879
It's you, Berta.

487
00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:41,581
It's always been you.

488
00:19:41,648 --> 00:19:43,750
I'm sorry.

489
00:19:43,816 --> 00:19:45,585
It's just not our time.

490
00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:49,689
Please tell her how sorry I am.

491
00:19:49,756 --> 00:19:51,691
(speaking Spanish)

492
00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:02,869
(both laugh)

493
00:20:05,838 --> 00:20:08,475
Adios, Señor Harper.

494
00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:11,378
Arrivederci, Esmerelda.

495
00:20:12,912 --> 00:20:14,046
Okay, then.

496
00:20:14,113 --> 00:20:15,348
I'll see you tomorrow.

497
00:20:15,415 --> 00:20:16,783
Good, good.

498
00:20:16,849 --> 00:20:17,717
I'll be late.

499
00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:18,885
It's okay.

500
00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:21,087
You might want to clean
that hair up off the floor

501
00:20:21,153 --> 00:20:22,255
before I get in.

502
00:20:22,322 --> 00:20:24,757
Sure, I'm on it.
Okay.

503
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:29,929
(sighs)

504
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:34,367
Oh, Esmerelda.

505
00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:38,771
No.

506
00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:40,773
No, I can't let her go.

507
00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:45,912
Oh, hey, Chris.

508
00:20:45,978 --> 00:20:49,982
Pillows on the couch, Alan's
in his room. Esmerelda!